Y’all Keep Using These Words, But I Do Not Think They Mean What You Think They Mean

If you’ve been following the news lately—and by “following,” I mean angrily commenting on Facebook posts you haven’t actually read—then you know Georgia’s literacy rates are, shall we say, not exactly the pride of the nation. In fact, if there were a spelling bee for state rankings in education, we’d be the kid who sits down after the word “cat.” We’re so low on the education totem pole, we’re basically the dirt it’s buried in.

If there were a standardized test for “knowing what you’re talking about,” we’d be the kid in the back row using the Scantron as a napkin.

But don’t worry! I’m here to help. Because if we’re going to have opinions about things, we should at least know what those things are. So, in the spirit of public service (and because my wife said I couldn’t write another column about my car’s ongoing feud with my driveway), here is a crash course in Not Sounding Ridiculous at the Next Town Hall (or, at the very least, in the comments section) by knowing the words and concepts you’re actually talking about.

Town Hall
A town hall is supposed to be a place where elected officials listen to the people who put them in office. In theory, it’s democracy in action. In practice, it’s starting to look like an episode of Cops. If your idea of “public discourse” involves police escorts and a light show courtesy of the local armed representatives of the local government, you might want to revisit the whole “representative government” idea. Town halls are for voices, not voltage. They are quite literally your right to petition the government that is spelled out in the first amendment.

First Amendment
The First Amendment is America’s favorite constitutional amendment to misquote. Most folks will tell you it’s about “freedom,” but ask them to name the actual rights and you’ll get a blank stare and maybe a reference to “the right to bear arms” (wrong amendment, Cletus). The first amendment is the part of the Constitution that lets you say what you want, worship how you want, print what you want in a newspaper, television show, radio broadcast, or website, gather with your friends, and tell the government when it’s being ridiculous.

It does not protect you from being fired from your job if you say something obscene, but it does protect you from going to jail if you criticize the government. If you can’t name all five rights, maybe hold off on the Facebook rants about “my freedoms,” “censorship,” or “freeze peach.”

Student Visa
A student visa is a little piece of paper that says, “Welcome to America, please enjoy our overpriced textbooks and questionable cafeteria food while you get a degree” It lets students from other countries study here legally. It does not make them citizens, nor does it mean they’re here to take your job, your lunch, or your spot in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru. If you’re upset about students here on visas, here’s a quick exercise to help you with perspective. Look at your report card. See all those average grades? Making America an exceptional country requires exceptional people, and since so many Americans are perfectly fine with average, we may need to import talent from other places.

Phishing
Phishing is what happens when someone tries to trick you into handing over your bank info by pretending to be your bank, your boss, a Nigerian prince with a heart of gold, or the local sheriff’s office. Georgia leads the nation in falling for these scams, which means we’re either too trusting or just really, really bad at spotting typos. If you get an email or phone call demanding you pay off your jury duty debt with App Store gift cards — you might be getting scammed.

Average
An average is what you get when you add up a bunch of numbers and divide by how many numbers you have. It’s not a guarantee of what you personally experience, unless you are, in fact, the entire state of Georgia. So when you see a statistic and your response is, “Well, that’s not true because my cousin’s neighbor’s dog saw something different,” congratulations: you’ve missed the point.

When you see a news article talking about an average, that is the most common experience. So, when you see an article that says the average gas price in Georgia is higher than what you saw yesterday at your local station, that doesn’t mean the article is wrong. It means most Georgians are experiencing higher prices than the one you saw.

Antisemitic
Antisemitic means being hostile to or prejudiced against Jewish people. It’s not a new word, but apparently, it’s one we need to define more often, since antisemitic incidents are at an all-time high. It’s not a “difference of opinion,” it’s not “just a joke,” and it’s definitely not something to be proud of. If you find yourself defending antisemitic comments, maybe take a long, hard look in the mirror—and then go read a history book to see where those thought patterns lead.

Holocaust
The Holocaust was the systematic murder of six million Jews and millions of others by Nazi Germany. It’s not a rumor, it’s not up for debate, and it’s not something you can just “forget” because you were too busy doodling in history class. If you’re unclear on the details, please consult literally any reputable source. Or ask someone over age 80. You can go to your local library and read periodicals and books written from the time period and shortly thereafter. There’s actual documentation on this one folks. It isn’t ancient history.

Consumer Confidence
Consumer confidence is how optimistic people feel about the economy. If you’re confident, you buy a new car. If you’re not, you buy ramen noodles and start Googling “how to make your own toothpaste” Right now, consumer confidence is so low, even the Dollar Store is worried.

Import
An import is anything we bring into the country from somewhere else—like electronics from China, coffee from Colombia, or those ramen noodles you’re stocking up on from Japan. Imports are how we get things we either can’t make here or don’t want to make here. Complaining about imports while sipping on imported coffee and tapping away on a phone made overseas is a bit like yelling at the rain for getting you wet without moving your umbrella.

Tariff
A tariff is a tax on stuff we import from other countries. Politicians say it’s to “protect American jobs,” but mostly it just means your next TV will cost more and you’ll have to explain to your kids why their Christmas presents are “experiences” this year. If you’re wondering why everything is more expensive, look no further than the word “tariff.”

Pollution
Pollution is all the junk corporations and industries dump into the air, water, and soil because cutting corners is cheaper than cleaning up after themselves. It’s what happens when companies treat the planet like a Waffle House at 3 a.m.—messy, sticky, and full of things we’ll regret in the morning. This is also not something you want to defend because you, your children, and your grand children have to live here. Yes, we discovered another livable planet, but it’ll take over 100 years to get there.

So there you have it, Georgia: a quick guide to the words we keep arguing about. Maybe next time, before you hit “post,” take a moment to make sure you know what you’re talking about. Or at least spell it right.