Your Soundtrack for Holiday Stress

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and I couldn’t be happier. If you’re a regular reader of my columns you know this hasn’t been an easy year for me or my family and the feeling of hope the holiday season brings is certainly welcome in our house.

But we also know that the hope of the holidays brings with it the stress of the season, so today I’m going to share one of my most sacred coping mechanisms at this time of year.

When I was in high school, a friend of mine introduced me to Christmas parody songs. During the age of CDs, I made it my tradition to get a new Christmas parody CD every year. Now, of course, I can just make a mega-playlist.

It is a wonderful way to deal with holiday stress. Decorating the yard? Parody playlist. Getting boxes twice your weight out of the attic? Parody playlist. Relatives frazzle your nerves? Parody playlist.

Over the years I have put together quite a collection — and as my Christmas gift to you, my loyal readers, I will expose you to some of my favorites. For some, these jingles will save Christmas. For others, they might ruin it. So, consider this a white elephant gift from your friendly neighborhood columnist.

The 12 Pains of Christmas (Bob Rivers): This one is probably my all-time favorite. It is the 12 Days of Christmas, but with modern painful substitutions. Rigging up the lights, sending Christmas cards, five months of bills are among the items. The song is also helpful because it gives you 12 situations in which you can play this song to take your mind off of the stress.

Redneck 12 Days of Christmas (Tim Wilson): Several people hav done this or attempted it, but the one I like most is the Tim Wilson version. It needs no explanation, but it is a necessity since we live in the South and have to deal with some of our redneck brethren during the Christmas season.

There’s Another Santa Claus (Bob Rivers): This one is a nod to the sheer number and styles of Santa Clauses you see around this time. This is probably a good time for me to mention that absolutely none of these are appropriate for children.

Down In The Trailer Park (Bubba Claus): Another great mockery of Christmas in the South. It has the memorable refrain “Ho Ho Ho, Y’all Watch This!”

Santa Claus is Watchin’ You: (Ray Stevens): Okay, the content of the song is weird, but it will get stuck in your head and you’ll find yourself repeating “Sanna Clause is watchin’ yooooooou” regularly. Also, there are a few extra reindeer added to this like Bruce and Marvin and Clyde the Camel.

O Christmas Tree (Bob Rivers): It’s an instrumental, if you will, but not using traditional instruments for its holiday blasphemy. It starts with traditional instruments but then things get interesting as it ends with the song being made up entirely of chainsaws.

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen (Bob Rivers): This one is a parody of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and tells of the extreme dangers of accidentally winding up in the ladies restroom.

The What’s it To Ya Chorus (Bob Rivers): In case you haven’t noticed, Bob Rivers is the undisputed champion of Christmas hilarity. This song is a parody of the Hallelujah Chorus — wait though, you actually have to hear it before you dog it. It is perfect for when the relatives get on your nerves too much.

We Wish You Weren’t Living With us (Bob Rivers, again): This is a parody of We Wish You A Merry Christmas, but for those relatives that might be a little bit like Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation. If you’ve got someone staying in your house that you aren’t thrilled about this season, you’re gonna want to hear this. The other great thing is you can go around humming it and you’ll know the words, but your relatives — well, they’ll just think you’re overcome with Christmas spirit.

I Hate People (Scrooge: The Musical): This isn’t a parody, but if you’re a journalist who’s ever gotten an angry email or phone call from a reader or if you’ve ever worked in retail, this song will become a year-round anthem for you.

Thank You Very Much (Scrooge: The Musical): The song itself sounds fairly normal. A group of people are thanking someone for doing the most kind thing anyone has ever done for them. Until you realize they are talking about Scrooge and the nice act was that he died.

Come to think about it, these may actually say more about my twisted sense of humor than about fun holiday songs. I am going to go find a therapist and ponder these issues.