Mercury’s going backwards like a truck stuck in reverse at the Piggly Wiggly, and this week’s got more drama than a family reunion where someone brings up who really owns Grandma’s china. We’ve got a New Moon in Scorpio on the 20th and the Sun moving into Sagittarius on the 21st, which is astrology talk for “things are about to get real interesting real fast.” Mercury retrograde’s still messing with us through Scorpio, so maybe don’t send that spicy text to your ex unless you want it read out loud at Thanksgiving dinner.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mars has you fired up like a preacher at a tent revival. The Moon’s giving you confidence on the 23rd, which is dangerous because you already had plenty. You’re the type to see a “Bridge Out” sign and think “yeah, but how out?” Just remember: being honest is good, being honest AND tactful is better. You can tell the truth without making it everybody else’s problem.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Venus in Scorpio’s got you wanting authenticity, which in the South means you’re done with people who are “bless your heart” to your face and something else behind your back. Your to-do list this week looks like a CVS receipt. But here’s the thing—you’re not gonna die if you don’t do it all today. Set some boundaries. It’s okay to tell Aunt Linda you can’t make her three separate casseroles for the church potluck.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Mercury retrograde is bringing back conversations like bad gas station sushi. Time to actually talk to your partner about what y’all want, because assuming makes an ass out of u and… well, you know. Don’t overthink what people say. When your uncle says he’s “just asking questions,” he’s just asking questions. When your mama says “do what you want,” that is NOT permission. Thursday and Friday are gonna be busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Jupiter’s in your sign making you realize you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places—turns out it was inside you all along, like that twenty-dollar bill you found in your winter coat. This week’s about figuring out what YOU want, not what your mama wants, not what looks good on Instagram. If you’re tired, rest. The world will survive without you for five minutes. Probably.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Monday and Tuesday, you’re smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy. Everything’s working—your jokes land, people laugh, your ideas sound genius. This is your moment. Use it. The second half of the week gets messier than a toddler with spaghetti, but you’ve handled worse. Just remember: there’s confident, and then there’s the guy at the bar who thinks he can definitely beat a bear in a fight. Be the first one.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Mercury’s helping you organize without coming across like you’re everybody’s disappointed mama. Clean your space early in the week—you and I both know you can’t think straight when there’s clutter. This week’s throwing information at you like a pitching machine on steroids. Separating what’s real from what’s BS is gonna be harder than finding a parking spot at Walmart on a Saturday. Thursday’s your day to speak up. Make it count.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Moon’s helping you figure out what you need from people and where you’re getting the short end of the stick. But here’s the deal: you gotta actually SAY something. Stop trying to keep everybody happy when it’s making YOU miserable. That’s not peace, that’s you being a doormat with good manners. Real balance means everybody does their part, not just you fixing everything while everyone else watches football.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
This is YOUR week, and you know it. New Moon, Mercury, Venus—all in your sign. It’s like the universe showed up to your birthday party actually on time for once. Trust your gut because it’s sharper than your mama’s side-eye. The New Moon on the 20th is your fresh start. Let go of dead weight. And I mean actually let it go, not that thing you do where you say you’re over it but bring it up every Thanksgiving for the next ten years.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Happy birthday, you wild child! The Sun hits your sign on the 21st like a shot of espresso, and the Moon’s right there with it pointing you toward something new at work. Follow what excites you, not what sounds good when you’re explaining it to your parents. This week wants you to aim high. And not “I’m gonna clean out the garage” high—actual “what if I actually went for it” high. You didn’t come this far to play small.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Jupiter and Saturn are making your goals feel possible instead of like some fever dream you had after too much BBQ. Pick one habit to fix—sleep, money, being nicer to yourself. Write it down. Stick to it. You don’t have to work yourself into an early grave to prove you’re serious. That’s not ambition, that’s just poor time management with extra steps. Steady wins the race. Ask the tortoise.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Your gut’s putting you in the right place at the right time this week, which is convenient. The Moon hits your sign on the 23rd, so test that weird idea you’ve been sitting on. But be practical—budget it, tell someone who won’t just say “that’s nice dear,” actually think it through. Small smart moves beat big dramatic gestures that fall apart faster than a gas station umbrella. Start somewhere real and build on it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Your dreams need some actual structure this week, not just more daydreaming while you’re supposed to be working. Time to build something real. Look honestly at your relationships—what’s helping and what’s about as useful as Aunt Mabel’s advice on cryptocurrency. And be honest about your own strength. Just because you’re nice doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re like water—gentle enough to drink, strong enough to carve the Grand Canyon given enough time and attitude.
This week’s advice: Mercury retrograde doesn’t end till later this month, so triple-check everything. And remember—if your plans fall apart this week, that might just be the universe doing you a favor. Sometimes the best thing that can happen is the thing that DIDN’T happen.
