If Curiosity Killed the Cat, I Must Be Nine Lives Deep

As a journalist, I have an inquisitive mind. Naturally, that means I have a ton of questions that hit me during the course of an ordinary week. Some of them are about current events, some of them disturb me to the point of sleeplessness, and some of them are the trivial existential navel-pondering that often comes with an ADHD brain with a hyperactive imagination.

Anyway, here are my questions. If any of you have answers, drop me a line in the comments. I just hope the answer isn’t 42.

• If the Trump administration is cutting government funding and the GOP believes all these federal services should be turned over to the states, how is Georgia planning to eliminate the state income tax? Is the plan to just not have any government services?

• Why did we decide that in the 80s, Uncle Ned was just a drunk crazy guy with PTSD, but now that he is on TikTok he speaks the undeniable truth?

• If the Epstein files were created by Biden, Obama, and Comey, to embarrass Trump, why were they not released when Obama or Biden were president? Also, how did they exist, then not exist, then exist again?

• Why does it start storming every time I am about to take a shower in the summer?

• Why does everyone care so much about the CEO of Astronomer, whom nobody had ever heard of last week getting caught sucking face with his HR person at a Coldplay concert. Sure, the memes have been hilarious, but is this really the thing we’ve decided to focus our time and energy on?

• What is the point of buying my children birthday gifts when everyone in the house knows they are going to destroy them within 24 hours?

• Why is it that every time someone says “Do your own research,” what they really mean is “Watch this 3-hour YouTube video made by a guy in his truck with no shirt on?”

• If Jesus came back today, would we even recognize him, or would he get labeled a “suspicious vagrant” and reported on Nextdoor?
  
• Why is it that the more someone insists they “don’t do politics,” the more likely they are to have a 14-part political theory involving shape shifters and the price of eggs?

• Why does every political argument on Facebook end with someone shouting “READ THE CONSTITUTION,” followed immediately by a comment that proves they’ve definitely never read the Constitution?

• Why do grocery stores put the milk in the back, the eggs on the side, and the bread nowhere near either one? Is this a scavenger hunt or breakfast? Think how much easier it would be to stock up in Georgia when it snows if these things were closer together.

• Why is the IRS the only government agency allowed to say “We know how much you owe, but we’re not telling you—guess wrong and we ruin your life?

• Why does every online recipe start with a 12-paragraph essay about someone’s grandmother’s emotional journey through soup?

• Why is it considered “lazy” to not work 60 hours a week but “visionary” to make money off other people doing it for you?

• Why does my phone know where I’m going before I do, but autocorrect thinks I want to talk about a ducking nightmare?

• Why do I need a separate login, password, two-factor authentication, and blood sample just to check my own medical records—but my data was leaked to hackers in 12 third world countries before I even finished typing this sentence?