20 Things I’m Thankful For in 2024

Thanksgiving is upon us once again. Though, with the unseasonably warm weather it doesn’t feel like it is quite time for Thanksgiving. That is to say, Turkey Day snuck up on me this year, but as many columnist have done in the past, it’s time to dust off the tired trope of things I’m thankful for. Here we go:

I am thankful to the first person who ever looked at a coffee bean and thought: “Let’s grind this up, run boiling water over it, and drink it.” Whoever you are, I am forever in your debt.

I’m thankful that my dog has become so skilled at communicating her discontent. Now if I could just get her to communicate what specifically she is unhappy about.

I’m thankful I haven’t been subjected to the song “Christmas Shoes” for about five years now.

I’m thankful for my HOA for providing me with this extra layer of government I so desperately need in order to keep me from making poor choices with the property I own. Without their wise guidance I might have more disposable income, I might paint my house neon green or build a fence out of old computer parts. Worst of all, I might leave my trash can out 45 minutes longer than necessary.

I’m thankful for my belly button. (It’s an outie.)

I’m so thankful for the creepy talking snowman my wife puts in our bathroom every year at Christmas. Nothing can prepare you for opening a bathroom door and hearing a gruff voice sing “Ho Ho Ho, Who’s gotta go…”

I’m thankful for all of the foul-mouthed blunt people in my life. We all know that the perky morning people are hiding something. Probably something completely depraved that they should be deeply ashamed of.

I’m thankful I do not shop at Walmart. I am further thankful I do not shop at Walmart on Black Friday. I am even more thankful I do not get trampled shopping at Walmart on Black Friday.

I am thankful that my children give me so many opportunities to hear my own voice by repeating myself over and over again. Kids who listen and follow instructions are overrated.

I’m thankful for social media. Thank you Facebook and TikTok for ridding me of that nasty habit I used to have of being able to concentrate for hours on a single task. I appreciate this new-found loss of focus and inner-peace.

I’m thankful to whoever the first person was who thought: “Let’s uproot a fir tree from the yard, bring it into the house, throw some lights on it, and put a random assortment of stuff on it as a way to celebrate the holiday.”

I’m thankful for Comic Sans and Papyrus. These two infamous fonts have a way of separating the truly intelligent from the dimwitted.

I’m thankful that I have a friend in the diamond business.

I’m thankful to be rid of whatever unnecessary car part it was that flew out on the highway earlier this week. I am also thankful my car is paid off.

I am thankful for Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Peacock and HBO Max. Productivity is often oversold.

I am thankful for doorknobs and deodorant.

I am thankful I live in a state where I am allowed to pump my own gas.

I’m thankful for my beautiful and angelic wife. I’m convinced she is the only woman on the planet who can put up with all my shenanigans and I’m amazed she has stuck around for this long.

I’m thankful that another election season is behind us. Now we can go back to loving our neighbors, lending a hand in our communities, and not trying to analyze everyone’s words and deeds through a political lens. At least, that’s what we should get back to doing.

Last but not least, I’m thankful for the absolute gluttony that marks this time of year. For the next several weeks I will be making incredibly poor choices with regards to my diet and I encourage everyone else to do the same. Life is both too short and too long not to feast during festive times without feelings of guilt or dread.