Cornbread Got a Law But I Still Can’t Get a Doctor’s Appointment

Each year from January to April, Georgia’s lawmakers are busy passing new laws to make Georgia a new and improved state. On Friday, that will all come to an end as the legislature calls it quits until next year.

This year, your lawmakers have been fighting the good fight and it looks like before the end of the day on Friday cornbread will finally be the official bread of Georgia.

I’ve lost sleep over that one. Cornbread is scrumptious and I just cannot believe it has been overlooked in this fine state for so long.

Now that our elected officials have taken care of all the important business, like enshrining cornbread into the annals of state symbolism, I’d like to propose a few more laws that I think we all would love to see the legislature spend its time and our tax dollars on.

So without further ado, I present to you my top picks for future Georgia laws that are way overdue:

The Blinker Usage Enforcement Act

It shall henceforth be punishable by increasingly ridiculous penalties to operate a vehicle in the state of Georgia without using a turn signal — and yes, Karen in the white Lexus, I’m talking to you. First offense: your car stereo is reprogrammed to play nothing but the sound of passive-aggressive honking. Second offense: a giant foam finger reading “Blinker Works, Brain Doesn’t” will be zip-tied to your roof for 30 days. Third offense: the state will assign you a personal crossing guard named Earl who will stand on your hood and signal your turns for you using a pair of orange flags and a whistle. Don’t test Earl. He takes his job very seriously.

The Slow Lane Loyalty Oath

If you’re driving 45 mph in the left lane on I-285, you must appear before a judge, recite the lyrics to “Life is a Highway” in reverse, and pledge to stay in the right lane for the remainder of your natural life. Violators will have their licenses promptly revoked and will be sentenced to a life of Uber riding.

The ‘You Work For Us Healthcare Act’

All elected officials in Georgia shall be required to enroll in the lowest-tier, high-deductible, out-of-network, barely-covers-a-bandage health care plan that is available to the average resident. No special perks, no gold-plated coverage, no hotline to a private clinic in Alpharetta. If it takes you six weeks to get an appointment with a doctor who works out of a refurbished Arby’s, well then, welcome to the club. Want better insurance and health care? Fix it for everyone in the state so that even the lowest plan available provides decent coverage.

The ‘If It’s Good Enough for Our Kids’ Education Act

From this day forward, all elected officials in Georgia shall be prohibited from enrolling their children in private schools while holding public office. If the schools in your district are good enough for your constituents’ kids, they should be good enough for yours. Exceptions will be granted only if the lawmaker themself agrees to ride the school bus and eat cafeteria meatloaf at least twice a week. Want better schools? You’ll be first in line — literally.

The Sunshine and Livestream Act

All government meetings, town halls, and gatherings involving elected officials in Georgia must be live-streamed and publicly archived. No more whispering behind closed doors or announcing important decisions from the shadows of a Waffle House booth. If it’s important enough to vote on, it’s important enough for us to watch in our pajamas. Bonus points if the livestream includes closed captions, a running tally of eye-rolls, and a “Who’s on their phone now?” leaderboard.

The Corporate Consequences Act

Any business operating in Georgia that lays off workers while simultaneously posting record profits, increasing executive bonuses, or building a new campus with artisanal tile mosaics in the break room, shall be required to redistribute those bonuses directly to the laid-off workers — along with a handwritten apology from the CEO written on recycled stock certificates. Additionally, companies that use the phrase “we’re a family” in internal emails must provide actual family leave, livable wages, and at least one mandatory group therapy session to unpack that lie.

The Actual Service Standards Act

Any business in Georgia that requires customers to press more than four buttons to reach a human being on the phone shall be required to pay a $5 ‘inconvenience fee’ directly to the caller for each additional button. More than two transfers during a single call will result in a state audit of the company’s customer service practices and a requirement to hire twice as many support agents during business hours.

The Official State Nuisance Act

Georgia hereby declares pollen the official state nuisance. It joins the noble ranks of state symbols like the brown thrasher, cornbread, and now — a fine yellow powder that turns our cars into sneeze factories and our eyeballs into sandpaper. While it may not have the majesty of the state bird or the dignity of the state tree, it has certainly earned its place through sheer volume and audacity. Congratulations, pollen — may your reign be itchy but brief.

There you have it. Just a few humble suggestions from a tax-paying, cornbread-loving Georgian who wants to see our state continue its legislative legacy of bold action — and by bold, I mean buttered.