There is no greater theater of suburban absurdity than the hallowed halls of Nextdoor. The local neighborhood app was ostensibly created to help communities connect, share recommendations, and alert each other to genuinely important issues. Instead, it has become a swirling cesspool of paranoia, misplaced outrage, and unsolicited opinions about which grocery store has the best rotisserie chicken.
Every day, your friendly neighborhood keyboard warriors take to their phones to warn of lurking dangers that, upon closer inspection, are usually just the mailman, a teenager taking a walk, or a sedan that drove by too slowly for their liking. It’s a place where crime is always around the corner, no package is safe from “porch pirates,” and a loose dog roaming the street is treated with the same urgency as an escaped zoo animal.
The truth is, most of the issues that crop up on Nextdoor were not problems for previous generations and are easily solved by remembering simple lessons your parents or grandparents taught you — and by recalling long-forgotten ideals like manners, dignity, and decorum.
Hoodies Don’t Mean Mugging: If you watched the Oscars last week, you may have been reminded that even rich folks like Adam Sandler prefer to go around in casual clothes and hoodies. The folks over on Nextdoor seem to have forgotten this and think if they see their neighbor out on a walk in a hoodie, he is suddenly suspicious and worthy of a social media callout. A man wearing a hoodie is no more suspicious than someone with a particular haircut is automatically likely to demand to see the manager.
Sometimes People Are Just Lost: Not every car that drives slowly in the neighborhood, or pulls into your driveway for a few seconds, is “casing your house.” More often than not, they’re just lost and trying to either turn around or figure out where they are. I’m sure you’ve done it before, too. You don’t need to share your Ring Doorbell footage of them. The real crime is your camera’s 240p video quality that makes every lost driver look like they escaped from a 1998 episode of Unsolved Mysteries.
Some People Just Drive Old Cars: Seeing an old car cruising down your street doesn’t mean a crime spree is imminent. Not everyone is out here trying to impress the HOA with a gleaming new SUV that costs more than a mortgage. Some of us prefer a car that’s paid off, even if it rattles like a can of marbles and has a cassette player that only works when you punch it just right. In fact, the biggest difference between your average suburbanite and actual wealthy people is that rich folks don’t feel the need to finance a brand-new car every three years. And they definitely don’t spend their afternoons on Nextdoor posting blurry photos of a 1997 Toyota Camry with the caption, “Is this a neighor, or am I about to be murdered?”
You Don’t Always Have to Show It: While I agree that pet owners have a duty to pick up their dog’s doodie when they go on walks, that doesn’t mean I need a photo of every time a dog owner fails in this task. When I’m eating my meatloaf lunch and scrolling through the neighborhood gossip, I really don’t need to risk losing my appetite. I also don’t need a full forensic breakdown of the crime scene, complete with location pins and suspected canine mugshots.
Public Shaming Run Amok: There’s an adage your grandma might have taught you that says, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.” You may not be aware that granny wasn’t talking about catching flies. This applies to your neighbors. In practice, it means you will have better luck talking to your neighbor about their reckless driving and being gentle about it than you will taking a picture of their car — complete with license plate and driver description — and publicly shaming them for their misdeeds on social media. Because if you truly want your neighbor to slow down, making them feel like they’re on the FBI’s Most Wanted list probably isn’t the way.
It’s Never Gunshots: There are so many things that go boom in the night, but for most suburban residents, it isn’t gunshots. For 99% of the neighborhoods using Nextdoor, I can assure you an angry resident didn’t just take out the tennis coach in the amenities area. It could be fireworks, a car backfiring, a neighbor slamming a car door, or a screen door slamming in the wind. In my neighborhood, we hear these sounds all the time, but they aren’t gunshots. There’s a man who lives behind the neighborhood who owns a cannon. He fires it for celebratory purposes. We just can’t tell what he’s celebrating. I assume it’s the completion of another day in which he successfully ignored Nextdoor.
Children Are Not Mini Criminals: Not every kid riding a bike down the street is “up to no good.” Sometimes, kids just do things like play outside, ride bikes, and—brace yourself—walk in public spaces. I know it’s hard to believe, but not every adolescent with a skateboard is an aspiring jewel thief. Sometimes, they just want to ollie over a crack in the sidewalk without getting a suspicious stare from Susan two doors down.
Amazon Did Not Send a Thief to Your Porch: If a package disappears from your doorstep, it might not be a thief. It could just be that the delivery driver misread the house numbers. Instead of posting “STOLEN!!” in all caps, try checking with your neighbor.
The bottom line on most of these is rather simple. Talk to your neighbor, not at them on Nextdoor. Online communities don’t work because the people are dehumanized walls of text. I’m not saying it is a lost cause, by the way. If you truly want an online community to work, be it Nextdoor, Facebook, or FiddleDeeDooDumb, start with this simple rule: If what you are about to say is not something you would be comfortable saying in-person to your nextdoor neighbor’s face, don’t say it on social media.
Stay tuned for next week’s column in my ongoing Quixotic mission to civilize, Manners Are Like Pants: You Ought to Have Some.
