Mr. Manners and The Quest for Decency

As regular readers have likely figured out by now, I am on an often pointless and occasionally cringeworthy quest to civilize. Despite years of firsthand evidence to the contrary, I still believe in human decency. I’m stubborn that way.

Today, I bring you the first installment of what may or may not become a regular feature: Ask Mr. Manners. This should be most helpful for the ill-mannered masses.

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Dear Mr. Manners:

I’m in my car at a stoplight. There’s no turn arrow, but you can go left on green. The person in front of me won’t go. Should I honk?

Signed,
Impatient and Impotent

Dear Im:

Take the cars away. Pretend you’re standing at a crosswalk. Would you shove someone out into traffic just because you’re in a hurry? That’s exactly what you’re doing when you honk at someone in the left-turn lane. Funny how bold we get when we’re cushioned by two tons of steel.

Here are Mr. Manners’ Rules of the Road for horn honking. You may honk if:

• Your life is in danger.
• You’re having a medical emergency and need help.
• You’ve lost control of your vehicle.
• You see a friend, there’s no traffic in front of you, and you gently honk to say hello.
• You’re parked in your driveway trying to summon your child to soccer practice.

That’s it. Otherwise, don’t. It’s rude, unnecessary, and makes you look like someone whose boss walked all over them today and now they’re taking it out on innocent drivers. Don’t be that guy.

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Dear Mr. Manners:

I waved at my neighbor the other day. She didn’t wave back. She says she wasn’t wearing her contacts and didn’t see me. I’m thinking about cutting her off. Should I?

Signed,
Mistreated in My Mind

Dear Mistreated:

What in the middle school drama queen is going on here? Grow up. It appears you are the one who can’t see past the end of their own nose.

If your biggest problem is that your neighbor didn’t return your wave, count your blessings— and maybe send her flowers for putting up with you in the first place. Your neighbor doesn’t have to wave at you, nor is she under any obligation to like you.

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Dear Mr. Manners:

My neighbor’s dog barks nonstop. Should I shoot him?

Signed,
Triggered in Tybee

Dear Triggered:

First, stop watching so many Clint Eastwood movies. Second, who exactly are you planning to shoot—the dog or the neighbor? Either way, let’s keep the bullets on your side of the property line.

Have you tried talking to your neighbor? You know, words? It’s this thing civilized people do. Start there before you go all Hatfield and McCoy. Chances are your neighbor doesn’t bite — though he may not wave at you. And if they bite— hey, at least they’ll know why you’re mad.

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Dear Mr. Manners:

When I go to the movies, I like to kick the seat in front of me. It helps me stretch my legs. Honestly, if the person didn’t want their seat bumped, they should’ve stayed home. My girlfriend says I’m being rude. I say people are too sensitive. Who’s right?

Signed,
Footloose in Forsyth

Dear Footloose:

Congratulations! You’ve managed to turn a quiet night at the movies into a malfunctioning carnival ride. I’m sure the person in front of you appreciates the free chiropractic adjustment every time you jab them with your Crocs (we both know you wear Crocs).

Let me spell it out: you’re not “stretching.” You’re advertising that you were raised by caffeinated squirrels.

The seat in front of you isn’t your ottoman or a stress ball. It’s someone’s chair—and they paid for it. Want to stretch? Get up. Walk to the lobby. While you’re there, give your girlfriend a hug. She’s doing the Lord’s work by sticking around.

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Well, folks, that’s all I can take this week. If you’ve got more questions, remember the one rule that would fix most of this: treat others the way you’d want to be treated. It’s an old rule. Came from a pretty popular book. If we could all remember it, I wouldn’t have to write these columns.

But then again… what would be the fun in that?