I Tried Gentle Parenting. My Toddler Headbutted me

Are we all familiar with the concept of gentle parenting at this point? 

If not, here’s a high-level overview:

Gentle parenting is a relationship-first approach that emphasizes empathy, respect, and emotional attunement. Rather than relying on punishment, fear, or control, it focuses on building trust, modeling emotional regulation, and establishing clear, compassionate boundaries. The goal isn’t obedience – it’s raising emotionally intelligent, self-aware humans through connection and mutual respect. 

When I first started “learning” about parenting, I loved the idea of this because it felt pretty opposite to how millennials were raised. I feel like my generation experienced parenting that was a little firmer, a little more “do as I say, not as I do,” a little more relegation of children to a lower class than adults. 

I don’t speak for everyone, and I don’t even speak broadly about my childhood. My parents are great, and I adore them, but I felt like I was living in someone else’s world, just trying to follow the rules. 

The point is, I wanted to speak to my children rationally, I wanted to apologize when I lost patience, and I wanted them to face consequences without it feeling like blanket punishment. Generally speaking, I wanted a dialogue with my children. 

I still think this is a sound parenting strategy that I employ to this day, but there was one fateful afternoon when it backfired, ending with a headbutt to my face. 

I can’t remember the details, exactly, but I was heavily pregnant, wheeling my toddler through the grocery store, and she started to have a tantrum. A lightbulb went off in my head, and the thought stirred, “This is a teachable moment.”

This was an opportunity, I thought, to recognize my daughter’s frustration and speak to her gently, coaxing her out of the tantrum and steering the shopping trip back into calmer waters. Wow, did I feel elevated. I was going to take a moment of chaos and turn it on its head. 

As I leaned forward and began speaking calmly to her, she reared back and headbutted me squarely in the forehead. I saw stars. And then a surge of anger ripped through me. My apologies to the Kroger employees who had to restock my cart, but I defaulted into survival mode as I pulled her out of the cart and marched her to the car. 

It reminds me of a story my mom told me about how one night she didn’t want to make dinner and told my brothers and me we’d be ordering out pizza. Well, we started acting up, and as punishment, she took away pizza for dinner, but what really ended up happening was that she was punishing herself. She told me that she cut off her nose to spite her face. 

And in this moment, as the anger dissipated and the remorse for handling the situation poorly bubbled to the surface, I remembered this story. So, when we were both calm, we not only talked about how she couldn’t react that way, but I also apologized for my brash behavior in rushing out of the grocery store. Though my daughter was only two, I showed her that my emotions overrode my logic, and in “punishing her” by leaving the store, I was just punishing myself. 

Nobody is perfect all the time. And I am entirely far from ideal. I’m lucky when I strike a chord once in a blue moon, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. And maybe that’s where gentle parenting can step in and show that we all make mistakes, we all let our emotions guide us at times, but it’s coming back to yourself, recognizing your mistake, and owning it that leaves the most lasting impression.